Sass from the stars - August

 

What sass do the stars have in store this September?

Still have your car, iPhone and relationship intact? Congratulations, you made it through Mercury retrograde. Wasn’t it awful? Now we’re on the other side, our in-house-medium has some astrological advice to add some spring into September.

Leo

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What’s with all the drama this month? It’s coming at you from all angles. What could be causing such a stir? Hmmm, don’t play dumb Leo. You know you love it. This September, keep loving it. The stars find it amusing.

Virgo

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Feel like your friends are keeping secrets? Conversations ending when you enter a room? Fits of laughter when you leave? Don’t take it personally. They’re throwing you a surprise party for your birthday! Sorry to ruin it.

Libra

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You’ve been working too hard Libra. It isn’t why God put you here. You’re too delicate for this carry on. Have you thought about a holiday? Your birthday is coming up. Never mind the bank account, a beachside bungalow awaits this September.

Scorpio

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The stars thought you were smarter than this Scorpio. Just because you ‘Netflix and chill’ together, they send “you up?” texts at 2am, and unsolicited snapchats of their junk – does not mean you’re in a relationship. It means you’re a booty call.

Sagittarius

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A hideous face from the past will resurface this September. Yes, you’re about to face a fierce flare up of your childhood rash. And it’s not going to be pretty. The stars say coconut oil is your friend. And when it burns, apply some more.

Capricorn

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Feel like you’re living a fairytale? You’ve had all sorts of royal romantics sliding into your emails lately. Careful Capricorn. These princes from Nigeria are making promises they simply cannot keep. This September, be more scam-savvy.

Aquarius

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Next time you go out for a night of stargazing, don’t. After what you did last month, they don’t even want you to look at them. Sheesh, I don’t know what happened but only an Aquarian could piss off an entire Milky Way *cough* Jeremy *cough*.

Pisces

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Life is taking you in all sorts of directions at the moment, and you don’t seem to be minding one bit! Up. Down. Left. Right. Diagonally. Oooh yeah, that’s the spot. There are plenty of fish in the sea, so have fun Pisces (with protection).

Aries

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Woah Aries slow down! The stars see all those red lights you’ve been running. You even left for work without your pants last week! No one’s asking for that alright. Except Seedy Sue from accounting. She doesn’t want you to slow down at all.

Taurus

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You’ve been feeling a little up in the air this August haven’t you Taurus. The stars suggest channelling your inner tree. They’re strong, enduring, yet flexible. You know why? They have roots. So this September, be like a tree. Have roots. Lots of roots.

Gemini

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You good Gemini? You’ve been breaking into third person, scolding yourself in a hiss that can only be described as a cross between Gollum and Donald Duck. Haven’t noticed? Your friends, colleagues and Karen from New World sure have.

Cancer

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Calling in sick? A cold doesn’t cut it anymore Cancer. You have to sell it. A “twisted ankle” is a great excuse to add some swagger to your step. Or let your jaw drop and groan like the grudge. Who’s to say the black plague hasn’t made a comeback?


That’s your monthly sassing from the stars. They sure come down hard. But a harsh truth from the stars is better than a comfortable lie from that peppy motivational blogger you follow on Instagram.

 
Matt Langton