MAFS UPDATE #1

 

We’ve seen the weddings, howled over the honeymoons and even taken a seat at that dinner party. Now it’s serious. Australia’s most famous Tinder-non-matches are sitting down for their commitments ceremony. Here’s how that went:

Cam and Jules

When you get past the shininess of her Colgate Premium teeth, these guys seem lovely. There's a fair chance he's a secret bunny boiler. But more likely he'll get bored and go play cricket.

Odds of success 3:1

Nic and Cyrell

Let's introduce a "freakout jar". It's totally a grown up way to deal with an inability to manage emotions. My take is that he'll say something terrible like "Good morning" and she'll smash the jar over his head.

Odds of success: 50:1

Jessika and Mick 

"You're a galah". Charming love-language, until you realise that a Galah is a common and stupid parrot. At some point she'll realise that it also means "fake" in Finnish and attack him with a knock off handbag. 

Odds of success: 20:1

Dino and Melissa

These guys win the actual prize for being the biggest weirdos. He's a horse-riding hippy meditator.. and she's well... she's a fucking weirdo. So far so good for them. But really?

Odds of success 15:1

Mark and Ning

Every now and then she lets go of her fear of his fear of being afraid of not committing. Then it's good. Then she remembers and he smiles. And she cries. And he smiles. Sound not required.

Odds of success 18:1

Mike and Heidi

She's a fun-loving radio host from small-town who-cares. He's an Aussie playboy. She want's to connect on a human level. He calls her "sweetheart". That's enough. She giggles.

Odds of success 9:1

Sam and Elizabeth

He went to his ex-girlfriend's Mum's funeral and thinks he did nothing wrong. She's furious. But he's hot. So she'll forgive for now and let's have ten hugs.

Odds of success 1000:1

Lauren and Matthew

She seems to be the most normal person on the show. She also "used to be a Lesbian". While we work out what "used to be Lesbian" actually means, he looks anxious.

Odds of success 50:1

Bronson and Ines

He's an ex-stripper with a long fuse. He can take it and take it and take it. Then he calls a c**t a c**t. She's psychotic. Nothing his her fault. If she wants it, she'll take it. And that goes for anyone's man.

Odds of success 1000:1

Martha and Michael

She's spent some cash to look smoking hot in a bikini. He has a man bun. They seem to get on. But only when she can sleep on the mirror side of the bed.

Odds of success 4:1 

Ines and Sam

But wait. What's this? A whole new couple? Is Sam wandering into Ines' lair? Is Ines playing into Sam's nonchalant, devil-may-care approach to dating? Who knows

Odds of success: What's success?

Ines, Sam and Lauren

After downing a case of red (matching Matt's water glass for glass) Lauren goes into the wrong room. But is it the wrong room? Here's Sam... and here's Innes.. and what does "used to be a Lesbian" mean?

 
Michael Goldthorpe