Where are we now?

As Nic carefully irons his shirt and Cyrell wonders why he's bothering, the rest of us settle into couches at home to watch the team climb into their couch and say stuff on telly that they'd never usually say to themselves in the shower. Here’s how that played out:

Nic and Cyrell - IN

Cyrell explains the complexity of code words and appropriate platitudes that any reasonable man should weave together to avoid the regular meltdowns. No one understands. Nic says "stay". No one understands.

Mick and Jessika - IN

As this blossoming friendship seems set to jump to the next level. Everyone's quite coy about what 'next-level' means. But Jessika is nearly ready and Mick's ready whenever she's ready. Both are instantly cast in Home and Away.

Cam and Jules - IN

Cam and Jules are loved up and getting laid. Everyone is deliriously happy for them. They smile and clap and share wistful glances in every which direction while searching for forks to stab into their smug loved up eye sockets.

Dino and Melissa - IN

He's odd. She's broken. We learn all about that one New Year's Eve ten years ago and he rocks out a slightly odd bracelet to match the odd necklace and need for over-delivery on her neediness. Zen.

Martha and Michael - IN

These guys are so boring that we've forgotten they even exist. Then we see the man-bun and it all comes flooding back. Apparently it's all good. Or something. It's hard to tell, but truth will out on Instagram.

Sam and Elizabeth - IN

After being globally immortalised in a muppet meme, Liz has got a "virus". Sam takes the couch, tells us all the many different ways he can't stand her and justifies his "stay" with "I'm a gentleman". We disagree.

Mark and Ning - IN 

Everything was going well until he started yelling at her in the guise of personal training. He says he would be meaner to his customers. She says he's just mean. She's out. He's in. She needs to catch the "virus".

Mike and Heidi - IN

After winning the prize for most draped-over-each-other-joined-at-the-hip, these guys take the couch to state they couldn't be happier. He's hot. She's hot. Why not? Surely no electrician can be expected to make an "emotional connection".

Ines and Bronsen - IN

Bronsen is being played. He's the only one who doesn't know. Bless. Meanwhile Ines doubles-down on the best storyline so far. "Oh we're giving it a good go" she says. Followed by "If he steps into my apartment we're getting a divorce". Nice.

Lauren and Matthew - OUT

After entering the show as a shy and retiring virgin, turns out Matt was one of the first to jump into bed. Then, Icarus-like, he let his blinky, stream-of-consciousness wittering completely fuck his relationship and most likely any future ones. Oops.

Michael Goldthorpe