MAFS UPDATE #3

It’s showdown time. We’ve seen a ‘break up’ at the dinner party, a ‘breach of trust’ at the boy’s night out and a bunch of steamy sauna allegations that have tongues and fingers wagging. So who’s in? Who’s out? And does anyone care about the love birds?

NIC AND CYRELL - IN

Like Catherine Zeta Jones in that scene from Entrapment, Nic has finally learned how to navigate the fiery inconsistency of Cyrell. Like a cat playing with a mouse playing dead, Cyrel got bored and realigned her venom toward Sam. “The world doesn't revolve around you Sam, you ain't King Ding-A-Ling," she said. Best line of the show so far. Ding. Ding. Knockout. Awkward.

MICK AND JESSICA – IN

Last week Jessica took the bait from manipulative Mike and jumped her man to keep him close. Then they agreed they wouldn’t talk about it. Then he did. Then shit rained down on him. Then he asked if she didn’t want to say anything because she was embarrassed of jumping him. And she didn’t really answer that. But she totally did. Awkward.

CAM AND JULES – IN

So sweet. So loved up. So unbelievably boring. It’s like the show only works when it doesn’t work. Turns out watching people fall in love is about exciting as Harry meeting Sally at a PTA meeting. Cam tried to spice it up by jumping on the couch. But Tom Cruise he ain’t. Awkward.

DINO AND MELISSA – IN

After much discussion and rolling playbacks of Melissa’s craving for a ‘Throwdown’. Dino and Melissa talk about lemon juice and meditation. The rest of us Google ‘Throwdown’ in an effort to understand what’s going on. There’s nothing there about lemon juice. Awkward.

MARTHA AND MICHAEL – IN.

Who? Nobody knows. With the exception of that rather odd Nana hat she wore to the dinner party, nothing screenworthy seems to have happened with these guys. Maybe that’s a good thing. Refer Cam and Jules. Boring. But that hat was definitely awkward.

MARK AND NING – IN

Apparently he made her dinner without even asking. That made her week. If only everyone else knew that relationships could be so easy. Make dinner. Wedded bliss. Not weird. Slightly awkward.

MIKE AND HEIDI – IN

They talked about the fact that he shouldn’t talk about other people’s relationships and that they’d talk to someone about it together and he shouldn’t talk to anyone alone. Then he did. Meltdown. There’s no doubt he’s a manipulative, misogynist prick. But she’s next-level possessive and weird. Awkward. 

SAM AND ELIZABETH - OUT

In a monologue about being misunderstood and only being here to look for love, Sam summed up why he’s single. “I wanted to find someone to complement my life” he says. Really? Like a nice sauce on the side or a cute tie that goes with your favourite shirt? You really are a ‘Dingaling’. Meanwhile Elizabeth said next to nothing but cracked out a Greatest Hits of horrified faces. Awkward.

INES AND BRONSEN – OUT

Sociopath? Femme Fatale? Smart independent woman? There are plenty of ways to describe Ines. But ‘ratings gold’ is probably the winner. Producers would have been working around the clock to somehow get her or Bronsen to stay. But no. She came, she conquered, and then she got spat out like yesterday’s insta-post. Somehow Bronsen is still smiling. Awkward.

Michael Goldthorpe