The stars above find the human obsession with the stars below utterly perplexing. The size of their egos is overwhelming! What the heck even is a Black Chyna? Enough is enough. Time to sass some stars and all those who share their signs.

Pisces

Hey Biebs, the stars watched your YouTube doco. And as much fun as it was when you spat on fans and pissed in buckets – the stars are proud of how far you’ve come. Although they do urge you to leave the paedo mo and dirty Hawaiian shirts in 2019.

Aries

You’ve got to get out more Mariah. No one’s seen you since they wheeled you out for ‘All I want for Christmas’ in December. The stars want more. Just because you’re the diva of the decade, doesn’t mean you can hibernate for 11 months of the year.

Taurus

Damn Adele. You’re looking superb. That last breakup has left you thriving. Don’t over do it though. The stars expect it’ll have a terrible impact on your career. Unfortunately, the public prefer their Adele anthems sad, triggering and wallowy.

Gemini

After years of foolery, karma’s coming for you Kanye. Backwards comments on slavery. Beef with T Swift. The dystopian fashion show monstrosity. Sunday Service can’t protect you now Yeezus. The stars suggest self isolation.

Cancer

The stars are appalled with your social etiquette this month Tom. Stop preying on people at parties – eyeing everyone up from the corner like some kind of Scientology shark. Enough. No one wants to join your alien rapture cult! Except maybe Britney.

Leo

Oh Meghan. The media really had it in for you, didn’t they? Relax. The stars say Megxit will be well worth it. You got away with all the money and none of the responsibility. Plus, the timing is excellent. There’s a royal uprising coming. Nice hustle.

Virgo

Looks like everyone’s back on board the Sandler train! Good for you buddy. The stars were confused why anyone hopped off it in the first place tbh. Water Boy and Mr Deeds are cinematic gold! The stars are pleased to see you thrive once more.

Libra

Well, well, well. Look who thought he was too cool for the Oscars, only to show up years later and bring the house down. The A-listers were getting lit to Lose Yourself and so were the stars. Keep it up. They’re loving the new, humble Eminem.

Scorpio

Damn Kris. Baby Khloe used to be the star’s #1 Kardashian. But encouraging her followers to deodorise their bed sheets with Febreeze instead of washing them was the nastiest thing they’ve seen since Kim’s sex tape. Time for a mother daughter chat.

Sagittarius

From slashing the unemployment rate with ‘Work Bitch’, to prompting the mental health discussion with your 2007 meltdown – the world owes ya Britney. The stars see a presidential run this year. You’re just the stability that’s needed.

Capricorn

If Brit decides politics aren’t for her, the stars could totally get behind a Michelle 2020 campaign. But only if you and Barack are done getting turnt in Mykonos. Just because the world’s gone to shit, doesn’t mean you have to cut the party short.

Aquarius

Stop Jen! You’re too good for him. Yes, he’s a hottie. But he did you dirty with that dark sorceress and shouldn’t ever be forgiven. Maybe the stars are reading too much into the lingering handholding at the Oscars. But if not, check yourself Aniston.

Let this be a lesson for you nobodies. No matter how famous you get, the stars will always be there to keep you humble.

SASS FROM THE STARS - MARCH 2020