SASS FROM THE STARS - JANUARY 2021

New year, same you? No worries. After surviving ‘The Year That Shall Not Be Named’ – the stars will let you off easy. So instead of prescribing resolutions, they’re coming through with all the cosmic hype you need to make 2021 a banger.

CAPRICORN

Being back at work does NOT mean you need to dress like it, Cap. The stars say, make the most of your summer glow while it’s here. Ditch the boots and suits. Jandals, boardies, bikinis and muumuus are so the go at the mo’. Sun’s out, guns out, baby.

AQUARIUS

After developing a healthy beer gut over the break, the stars sense a fad diet on the horizon, Aquarius. Their advice? Stop searching for a quick fix. You’re beautiful just the way you are. Rolls, lumps, bumps and all. Except you, Jeremy – six packs are out.

PISCES

Oh Pisces, while the stars are revelling in your relaxed, holiday vibes – they’re a little concerned about that mosquito bite on your neck. It’s the size of a tennis ball and something’s crawling in there. You should probably get it checked. Like, immediately.

ARIES

Surfing, hiking, square dancing – gosh you've been busy, Aries. Now you're back to work, the stars suggest slowing down. Or even stopping entirely. You’re such an unproductive employee anyway, no one will notice you napping.

TAURUS

Ah, summer. It’s your time to thrive, isn’t it Taurus? You’re looking tanned, toned and totally hot. But you’re not smelling so fresh. Have you been swimming at one of those beaches on the blacklist? They don’t call it Browns Bay for nothing, sweetie.

GEMINI

Ouch Gemini. Getting dumped sucks. But collapsing on the beach afterwards was a little dramatic. You weren’t even under the waves that long. The stars are on to you. Getting CPR from that lifeguard is the only action you’ve had all summer.

CANCER

Congrats, Cancer. Your 2021 diary is super aesthetically pleasing. But while filling in birthdays and ‘important’ occasions is cute – the stars give it a month before you throw in the towel. What a waste of a tree. Stick to Facebook like everyone else.

LEO

Damn Leo, your Insta has been popping all summer long. But the stars wonder, where were these ‘festival friends’ when you were face down in the mud behind Stage 1? Your followers will never know. But security man Sean sees all. What an angel.

VIRGO

Yikes. Someone forgot to slip, slop, slap and wrap over the break. You’re looking quite crispy, Virgo. Lucky your summer fling is ready to lather you in aloe vera when you need it. But be warned – as soon as your tan fades, you’re on your own. Again.

LIBRA

Struggling to think of a New Year’s resolution that’ll stick? Read more. Drink less. Learn Portuguese. Stop wasting your time, lazy Libra. You aren’t going to Portugal any time soon. And the desire to self-improve is sure to pass by Wednesday next week at the latest.

SCORPIO

Yoga at sunrise on the 1st. Visiting your in-laws on the 2nd. Cleaning the house on the 3rd. Who even ARE you now? The stars are both impressed and bored. New year, new you kinda sucks. Bring back the moody brooding Scorpio we all know and love.

SAGITTARIUS

Poor Sagittarius. Kicked out of the campground for snoring, yet again. How cruel. But when it’s your own family laying formal complaints against you, maybe it’s time to get that surgery they’ve been nagging about. Or a new family. Whatever works.

Well there’s your resolution recommendations from the stars. Hopefully they’ve saved you signing up for a gym membership you’ll never use.